Dear Anxiety - You don't own me, you're a part of me.

Pre-pregnancy

I don't even know where to start - as far as I can remember, I have been a worry-wart my entire life! It's always the small things, like:

• Did I leave the stove on?

• Do these pants make my butt look too big?

• Did I offend someone with my comment?

• Did I lock the door before bed?

• What was that sound...do we have mice?

And then of course it follows with guilt - I should have checked the attic before going to bed. I should have not said my opinion when a friend asked for help. I shouldn't have cooked today since I am SO forgetful. I should have gone to the gym 5 times this week instead of 3! I should, I should, I should - I should on myself A LOT!

It got worse when we were trying to get pregnant. That was the toughest 14 months of my life! I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was uninterested in life. I hated EVERY SINGLE WOMAN who was pregnant and glowing. I cried if someone on TV was announcing that they were pregnant. I felt like shit. I felt like my body was letting me down. I felt every month the stork forgot about me, yet AGAIN! I made my husband feel like he let me down regularly, too. I tried everything to let it go, but then I would take a walk with Olive or go for a drive and I would see a mom with three kids - WHY!?! Why does she have three kids and I don't even have ONE???? I started becoming superstitious. I started praying too.

Afterwards, we decided to look into alternative methods for having a baby. Adoption was one idea; however, our application was rejected as we couldn't prove that we could not conceive biologically. It hadn’t been 2 years of trying and we needed a doctor’s letter witnessing that all other alternative methods had failed. I was convinced I needed IVF and that my miracle would be twins. The clinic asked me to return next time I got my period for another ultrasound and we would start hormone treatments after that. That gave me hope and I started to live my life again.

I decided to let it go as one way or another, I was going to have a baby. I started to workout. I enjoyed my fave movies/shows without emotional attachment. I no longer envied other moms and pregnancies. I drank golden milk before bed every night (see Turmeric blog post). I kept my mind stress free by occupying it with hobbies like colouring in adults books and cross-stitching. I then mentally calmed down. I was myself again and that is when I got pregnant! I was fortunate to not have to go through any treatments or take hormonal drugs.

Pregnancy

Is this real or a dream? I remember I took 8 tests that week! I knew I was pregnant because I had to pee many times throughout the night. I was in absolute disbelief! But then my anxiety would remind me that it can also be taken away in a heartbeat. Anything can happen at any time; however, if it's meant to be - it'll happen. I then again kept myself busy - walked the dog everyday - 20,000 steps a day! Continued colouring and cross-stitching on days I didn't barf my head off.

Later in my pregnancy I started forgetting things. I was huge, tired and annoyed. But I refused to complain and smiled as much as I could because I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY got what I had wished for. It was a dream I was waiting for 23 years! I started to notice my work in the office was being affected. I was forgetful and could not multi-task. I was sick my entire pregnancy – puking throughout the day and felt I was letting my team down. When I asked for advice, of course a co-worker in a supervisory role said - oh stop worrying so much - you need to calm down - nothing to lose sleep over. Um WTF - you don't know how I feel or what I am going through. We all have our OWN journeys and don't you think that if I KNEW HOW TO TURN OFF MY BRAIN that I would!?!!? Dumbass!

When I went into labour – things didn’t feel right either. I kept thinking what if I don’t meet him because of something very wrong happening near the end. It was a long week when I was over-due. Lots of sleepless nights and panicking. I had to have an emergency C-section in the end – that was an emotional time for me. I was very happy and thankful because I was in good hands and was FINALLY going to meet him but petrified of being cut open at the same time.

Post-partum

This is where I hit rock-bottom. You'd think after having my dreams coming true and meeting my angel that I'd be in heaven 24/7 - but you are wrong. Yes, the first 2 to 3 months were AMAZING! I was in Baby Heaven!!! I didn't care that I had to feed him hourly. I didn't care that I was wearing extra large pants. I didn't care that I hadn’t showered in 3 days. I just didn't care - I was SO SO SO HAPPY!!! But then something changed and I am not sure exactly when.

After he moved into his own room around 4 or 5 months - the panic started.

• Is the monitor on?

• Fuck, the camera timed out again. I'll just stay up all night and watch him sleep in case he cries.

• Did a car just drive by? Don't my neighbours know that my baby is SLEEPING?

• WHY IS MY HUSBAND ASLEEP? Why isn't he worried????

Amongst the feelings above, I also envied friends who had their own moms visit them and help out. I didn't have that privilege. My mom is alone, has arthritis in her knees, works full-time, takes care of her two other kids AND lives in another province. I definitely felt alone especially when my husband returned to work. You're probably thinking - Saps why didn't you just go outside, or leave the house, or go for walks? Well - it was dead winter....I was not taking a newborn out without my husband's help. I felt it was too cold for the baby and of course felt guilty. There were days I didn’t leave the house for 4 days in a row. It seemed normal for me to live in pajamas until my husband got home and then I would shower and eat.

Things progressed for the worst. I was getting angry all of the time. I would argue and yell at my husband for no reason at all. Little things annoyed me. WHY CAN'T HE READ MY MIND? I would cry about things that happened a long time ago. I would hold grudges for small things. My poor husband would come home from a long days work to spend time with this newborn but would instead walk into the kitchen to kiss an angry wife stomping around. That is when he suggested perhaps I needed to talk to someone as I wasn’t myself anymore. That is when I remembered, I had received a call from a perinatal clinic when my son was first born. The maternity clinic passed my information to them when I was pregnant as my anxiety was at large. I had cancelled my appointment in the past because I felt everything was better. Luckily, they still had my info on file and were able to meet with me. I could also bring my baby along which was a relief.

The appointment went SO well! I talked my heart out and the counselor listened. I took a mini quiz and participated in some questionnaires and it turned out I was suffering from Post-Partum Depression and you know what? That was a shock! I was okay because I finally had an answer as to why I was feeling the way I was, but surprised it was going on for so long. The meetings started when my son was about 8 months old. That’s how long I was unhappy for.

With some quizzes, questions and discussions I narrowed down a few things that were bothering me. I don't feel comfortable sharing all of that on my blog; however, I feel comfortable sharing what helped me feel better.

• Putting myself first - reminding myself not to feel guilty if I chose to go pee before picking up my crying baby

• Eating on time instead of waiting until he napped to indulge – some days he didn’t nap so I was hangry all day

• Enjoying alone time when baby did eventually nap – taking a hot bath, journaling or napping

• Going outside once a day - for fresh air, to play fetch or walk Olive

• Doing breathing exercises - especially on the days I couldn't sleep or turn off my brain

• Asking for help especially from hubby

• Exercising and working on myself – releasing endorphins

• Taking in the moment - how am I feeling at this exact moment and how I could I feel better?

• Focusing on the now - like the cuddles and sounds of my baby's breath on my chest rather than worrying about his bottle needing to be rinsed IMMEDIATELY.

• Reminding myself that it's okay to wash the dishes later and cherishing a cuddle now instead.

• Letting the little things go.

Genetics?

Anxiety and worry is definitely something I grew up with. I see it in my mom a lot now when she comes to visit. It reminds me to not worry about the small things and focus on the now. I refuse to live my life in that manner but I still have days where I can’t sleep. It has improved a lot though. I worry if baby woke up crying in the middle of the night and I start analyzing every single thing like:

• What did I feed him today

• Did he nap enough

• Did he poop

• Hungry/thirsty

• Did I over dress him? Under dress him?

• Should I let him cry it out? Will that make me a bad mom?

• Stomach ache?

• Teething?

• Nightmare?

Sometimes it is teething – Tylenol helps and he goes back to sleep. Sometimes he wants cuddles or milk. Sometimes I just can’t figure it out but that’s okay. He’ll eventually start talking and will be able to use his words to tell me what is bothering him.

I have to stop and remind myself to be grateful of things in my life and enjoy the present. I have to remember that it is okay to want some quiet mommy time and not to feel guilty about it, otherwise my son will see the worst of me rather than the best of me.

Working on this blog has helped me release a more creative side of me as well. It keeps me mentally occupied. I started working out early in the mornings too while my son is asleep – I feel SO much better. I only go to the gym 3 times a week but wow do I feel like a whole new person. I used to go before in the mornings before he was born. I am most definitely a morning workout person – not evening. But on days I don’t go to the gym – I run Olive at night. We’ve been lucky that we’ve had a mild winter this year. I am starting to be myself again and I am much happier.